Intimacy

Posted on: December 20, 2017

By Katherine E. Watkins, M.D., M.S.H.S.

Katherine E. Watkins is a Santa Monica psychiatrist and senior natural scientist at the RAND Corporation. The overall goal of her research is to improve the quality of care for individuals with behavioral health disorders, by developing, implementing, and evaluating innovative treatments and treatment models of health care delivery.

Everyone has a need for love, connection and intimacy. As Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, writer, social critic and political activist, once said, “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.” Yet many people have trouble with intimacy, and long to experience deeper ways of relating to others. Increasing one’s capacity for intimacy yields many benefits.

Everyone can increase their capacity for intimacy. However, while doing so is enormously rewarding, it takes mental energy and willingness. Early brain wiring makes us alert to and wary of unfamiliar experiences. Changing our patterns of behavior is challenging, because, in general, the feelings and actions our parents expressed when they were raising us come to be the feelings and actions we feel comfortable with as adults. These lessons can be overridden, but usually not without some conflict.

Here are 5 tips to help you grow your capacity for intimacy:

Expect and welcome the discomfort that comes with doing something different.
Start off with small changes.
Share with your partner that you are trying out new ways of being and ask for their support.
Learn more about human emotions and the biological need for intimacy and attachment.
Remember that you are worthy of love and connection even if you feel unworthy.

Posted in: Fundamentals